Navigating Estrangement: Understanding the Modern Disconnect

In today's fast-paced, interconnected world, the concept of estrangement is gaining traction as more individuals contemplate distancing themselves from toxic relationships, be it with friends, family, or even siblings.

I'm finding in client work, a growing movement in estrangement and noticing that it impacts people of all ages. So wether you're considering estrangement or trying to understand someone who is, it's crucial to delve into the reasons behind this significant yet often misunderstood life choice.

Modern relationships, whether familial or social, are not always the epitome of harmony. Sometimes, the people who are supposed to love and support us the most end up causing the deepest wounds. Toxic friends who drain your energy, parents who manipulate or control, and siblings whose relationships are more competitive than supportive, can all be significant sources of stress and unhappiness.

• Take the case of divorce and the subsequent alienation of children from a parent. Picture a parent after a painful separation, finds their ex using their kids as pawns, leading to an unintentional estrangement. This scenario is heartbreaking. More commonly, with the encouragement of 50/50 custody arrangements, some mothers for example (not limited to) experience a profound identity crisis. Their role, once central and all-encompassing, is now shared, sometimes unequally, leading to feelings of redundancy and loss.

  
  

• Siblings, on the other hand, present a different set of challenges.

  Rivalries that begin in childhood can often extend into adulthood, complicating family gatherings and future events. The decision to estrange oneself from a sibling can stem from years of accumulated tension, unresolved conflicts, or fundamentally different life choices and values.

  Alternatively, estrangement can come from a big family event such as; death of a parent, financial complexities, or caring responsibilities. The complexity of such a decision is immense, particularly when it impacts broader family dynamics and occasions.

• Then there are ageing parents. As they grow older, their need for support increases, but what if these parents have been a source of emotional or even physical pain throughout your life? The guilt and societal pressure to care for your parents can be overwhelming, yet the need for self-preservation might necessitate a hard decision. Estrangement in such cases is not about abandoning responsibilities but protecting your mental and emotional well-being.

• Same with friends. Friendships can be one of the most supportive relationships we hold and can help us through difficult times in our life, as well as celebrate the good times with us. But friendships can become difficult, strained and toxic. If left unaddressed, it can lead to longer term dissatisfaction and result in ghosting or estrangement.

Even after taking the difficult step of estranging yourself from unhealthy relationships, the journey doesn’t end there. The sense of loss can be ongoing as you might miss out on group gatherings, family events, and the shared memories that come with them.

You may need to consciously choose to avoid certain social settings, which can sometimes lead to feelings of isolation or loneliness. The absence of these connections can be a continuous reminder of what was left behind, making the healing process more complex and requiring ongoing effort to build new, healthier relationships and support systems.

Alternatively, being the friend or family member from whom someone has chosen to estrange themselves can be a bewildering and painful experience. If you were ghosted or if the person didn't attempt to communicate their reasons, the lack of closure can be particularly distressing. You might find yourself constantly questioning what went wrong, replaying past interactions, and struggling to understand their perspective. This sense of confusion and hurt can be compounded by the sudden absence of someone you cared about, leading to feelings of rejection and guilt.

Today, we are more inclined to set boundaries and less willing to tolerate relationships that are harmful. This shift in mindset is crucial for breaking the cycle of toxicity and ensuring that future generations are not burdened with the same dysfunctional patterns. You'll often see me talking about systemic impacts and generational trauma on my social media pages!

Another factor is the increasing acceptance and understanding of diverse family structures and dynamics. The traditional nuclear family is no longer the only accepted norm. With blended families, single-parent households, and child-free couples becoming more common, there's a broader recognition that family isn't always defined by blood. Sometimes, friends or communities can provide the support and love that our biological family cannot.

Estrangement is a deeply personal and often painful decision, but it's important to recognise that it can also be a step toward healing and self-care. By reducing the stigma and fostering a more compassionate understanding of why people choose to estrange themselves from toxic relationships, we can create a society that supports individual well-being over archaic notions of familial duty.

So if you're contemplating estrangement or trying to comprehend someone else's choice to do so, remember that every situation is unique. The path to emotional health and happiness sometimes involves making tough decisions. Estrangement is not about giving up on family but choosing to prioritise one's peace and wellbeing.

By understanding and respecting these choices, we can contribute to a more empathetic and supportive world.