Grief and the holidays: finding comfort through one of the hardest times of year

[Firstly - it's important to clarify what exactly grief is.

Grief is loss. Not just loss through bereavement but loss of anything of importance.

It could be the loss of a relationship, a home, a pet, hopes and dreams, a job, death of a loved one, estrangement, loss of a treasured possession and so many others!

So when we consider grief this season, let's remember that someone near you is probably grieving].

As the holidays approach, many of us are already feeling the weight of grief.

Whether it’s the loss of a loved one, a painful separation, a serious illness, or a difficult time of year marked by empty chairs at the table, this season can be incredibly hard.

Grief doesn’t follow a timetable, and for some of us, the festive season can make the absence of someone feel even more pronounced.

I understand this all too well. Last year, just a couple of weeks before Christmas, my dad died unexpectedly. His sudden death changed everything. What can come from a grief like this are huge secondary losses - reflections on life and choices, thoughts of what was and what wasn't, fears, meaning of life, reality of mortality, and the ripple effects on other relationships - and all of these can fuel the grief and make it 'extra heavy'.

Furthermore, in my therapy room, I hear a lot about the many ways grief shows up in people’s lives. Loss is everywhere - and it doesn't always show up as something that’s immediately visible.

If you take one thing from this blog - just know that this holiday season - you're not alone and what you're feeling is completely valid!

How to cope with grief this holiday season

It’s important to acknowledge that the holiday season can be one of the hardest times for us who are grieving. At a time when society places so much emphasis on joy and celebration, grief doesn’t always ‘fit’ with the narrative. And that’s okay.

Here are a few things I encourage myself and my clients to consider when facing grief during the holidays:

1. Give yourself permission to feel

It’s okay to not feel ‘festive.’ And it's okay if you do! You don’t have to pretend or put on a brave face. Grief is a natural response to loss, and it deserves space. If you need to cry, be sad, or feel angry, that’s completely normal. Allow yourself to experience those emotions without judgement. Your feelings are valid, no matter how much they don’t match the holiday expectations around you.

2. Create new traditions or let go of old ones

If the old traditions feel too painful, it might be time to adjust them – or even let them go. Some people find comfort in creating new traditions that honour their loss, such as lighting a candle in memory of a loved one or taking a quiet walk on Christmas Day to reflect. Others might need to simplify things entirely, cutting back on celebrations to give themselves space to grieve. It’s about finding what feels right for you.

3. Set boundaries with others

Grief can feel even heavier when people expect you to ‘move on’ or ‘be happy’ during the holidays. You don’t need to meet anyone else’s expectations, and it’s perfectly acceptable to say ‘no’ to invitations or to step away from certain gatherings if you’re not up to it. Take control of your own space and energy. It’s okay to put yourself first.

4. Reach out for support

Grief can feel isolating, especially when it seems like everyone else is wrapped up in festive cheer. But remember that there are people who care about you and who want to support you, even if they don’t always know the right thing to say. Sometimes it helps just to have someone listen without offering advice or solutions. Therapy, support groups, or even talking to a trusted friend can provide comfort in ways you might not expect.

5. Take care of your physical and emotional health

Grief is exhausting, and the added stress of the holiday season can make it harder to take care of yourself. Do what you can to nourish your body – get outside for a walk, drink enough water, eat nourishing meals, and try to get some rest. Small self-care practices can help ground you during a time that might feel chaotic or overwhelming.

6. Celebrate your loved one in your own way

If you’re grieving a loved one, consider ways to honour them this season. It could be as simple as looking through old photographs, talking about happy memories, or keeping an empty seat at the table. There’s no right or wrong way to remember someone; the important thing is to allow yourself to feel their presence, even if they are no longer physically with you.

Remember, grief isn’t a straight line

I want to remind you that grief isn’t something that simply ‘ends’ after a certain period. It ebbs and flows. Some days might feel manageable, while others will be overwhelming. And that’s okay. Finding your new version of yourself is a huge healing journey which takes time, and the holidays are just one part of your journey. If you find the season too much to bear, be kind to yourself and don’t feel pressured to keep up with everything around you.

If this time of year feels particularly tough, please know that you are not alone in your grief. Many people are walking a similar path, even if it’s not always visible.

You deserve peace, comfort, and compassion – especially during the holidays.

Take things as gently as you need to, and be kind to yourself.

I know I will.

With warmth,

Jacques

Jacqueline Green Counselling